Just Show Up

just show up

Lately, I’ve been feeling insecure and unsettled. Since writing about being back in the valley again I’ve definitely been feeling better but still not walking light and easy. I feel like I keep making mistakes, or one little life issue after another keeps stealing my peace. And I have to march over to enemy territory and take it right back again.

Instead of giving up or falling apart or throwing a tantrum I just show up.

I start my day by expressing gratitude like always and remind myself that perfection is not required. I can just show up.

Instead of berating myself for all the not so healthy Cliff bars my youngest has eaten lately because I haven’t been baking, I focus on getting decent lunches and suppers into her. I just show up.

I find myself procrastinating on writing again, wondering if any of this matters. But then a friend and a stranger and a fellow writer all message me and provide a much-needed word of encouragement so I sit down at my laptop to talk with you. Real talk, like if we were having coffee together.  I just show up.

There is fear in my chest. I feel it, heavy. Some of it is a voice of judgment about how I too often say the wrong thing or don’t easily fit in. Some of it is fear that I need to quickly find my place in my community, make my mark before the competition grows stronger. But I shake off those shackles and just show up.

You’ve heard this many times before, but I am walking through a season of transition and it is so much harder than I ever anticipated. There is the letting go of what was – my years of little people and homeschooling and knowing my role, they are over. And there is the turning my eyes and heart forward and believing that there is amazing beauty yet to come. Every day I just show up and remind myself that I am OK and it will be all be OK.

It occurs to me now that while divorce is hard, choosing to stay together after kids are mostly grown might even be harder. Because even when you love each other, it requires very deliberate, daily choice and intense vulnerability to move toward each other rather than apart. To look at the other person and decide to love them as is and trust that they will offer you that same incredible gift. Daily I just show up.

There is no clear path for the work I want to do. I glean from others and listen and learn. I wrestle against comparison and not good enough. But today I offer myself permission to be less than great and I just show up.

The ups and downs of dealing with anxiety and even depression from childhood feel wearying. I’ve come so far and my knowledge and compassion permit me to love and serve others even as I care for myself. And even though I read your stories there is part of me that can feel just a little too broken sometimes. But I’m asking you to show up and I will just show up too.

I am blessed beyond measure. I get to love a family and eat real food and feel the sunshine on my skin. I have the privilege of washing dishes and taking walks in a safe environment and I live in freedom. I get to just show up.

Krista xo

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34 comments on “Just Show Up

  1. Thank you for this post, Krista. As a single mom, and very much an introvert, who also feels she doesn’t quite fit in anywhere, I often feel alone. But reading your words helps me feel less alone, which takes the edge off my sadness, as does being reminded of the simple blessings of life. Blessings to you.

  2. You are helping me with your knowledge and compassion; more than you could know. Thank you for writing even when you don’t feel like it. I am so grateful to have found you! It’s comforting to read your words and feel that someone else cares. Take good care and have a peaceful evening.

  3. This was my MO for a lot last year and winter this year. I wrote a post about it but never finished editing and publishing it. Showing up is the real work of living. It’s going to be ok.

  4. This really spoke to me today, Krista. I’m in a similar transition place with my youngest graduating high school and going off to college, and it affects EVERYTHING. And who knew? Marriage, self confidence, work, values, mental health, parenting, relationships and friendships, and all of it! “Just show up” is a good reminder. Thank you for sitting down to write this!

  5. Yes, it will be okay. This post really resonated for me, Krista. Thank you. For me, showing up can sometimes mean being okay with feeling privileged and feeling heavy as iron at the same time. Please keep sharing through your transitions – many of us travel with you in our own ways.

  6. Dear, sweet Krista, just keep showing up and allow yourself to be open to receive the new experiences coming your way. At the wise old age of 68, I can say with confidence that infinite possibilities are always available to us, and that when the kids are grown and/or the job is behind us, we have a whole new adventure to experience … showing up for ourselves. Elizabeth Gilbert encourages us to just keep showing up, let done be better than great, and always, always, keep writing, keep living and keep loving. You don’t have to fit in anywhere but within your own life! Peace and blessings!

  7. Thank you for this and all your other posts. You make me feel normal and less alone. And you’ve given voice to my inner turmoil in this post, in a way that I wouldn’t have been able to.

  8. Just show up. Just show up. Just show up… Words I think I will continue repeating to myself long after I leave your site today.

    I struggle with similar insecurities, doubting my abilities to mother, wife, and just be a decent human. The ups and downs of anxiety and depression, etc. Man, it’s tiring, isn’t it? I really enjoyed reading this and feeling less alone. I liked how the narrative really read like a coffee date with a friend. Thank you for that.

    Best wishes, friend!

  9. Yes, just show up. It’s so hard to struggle against the doubled inclination to hibernate that comes with being an introvert and being depressed. One foot in front of the other, over and over, and you will walk out of the valley back onto the mountains. Or at least the foothills. You have so much more company on this journey than you’ll ever know. Hang in there. We’re right here with you.

  10. I have been so busy I haven’t been reading all the posts lately, but as I read….I just show Up…. I am ministered to and so thankful that you do what you do Krista. You are the voice of commonsense, honesty and showing the sacred value in the every day little things of life. I love to read your words. They are powerful and speak to my heart each time. I am going to go back and read one of your blogs a day till I am all caught up. Keep being you and sharing whatever God gives you… it is making a big difference in many lives that you may never hear from.

  11. Showing up is enough Krista!!! Thanks SO MUCH for making the effort to put your thoughts and feelings into words, helpful to many others as you can see. Un fuerte abrazo 🙂

  12. ac! Yes! always showing up is key. I tell myself I just have to get on my yoga mat. I just have to sit on my cushion, I just have to sit to pray. Not achieve anything, not do so much, but just do that first tiny step, often that leads me onto doing part, or a full practice, but at least I am there.

    I always have a smoothie each morning, so that I have always had at least three veg and fruit, if all else goes wrong I’ve had a good start. I don’t like cooking or thinking about food, so this is always a good start

    thank you for sharing your showing up -sometimes it is the best we can do

  13. So appreciate your writing and feeling community here. I am in my late 50’s and have experienced some of the same transitions, have survived and trying to thrive. Rediscovering who you are after many years of being a wife and momma takes time, patience and love. Just showing up is a big deal. Even more so for those of us who are introverts, highly sensitive people, and may deal with other things (depression, anxiety). By Gods grace I am still showing up. Learning to love and accept yourself is a gift. It helps me to remember most life portrayed in media is not reality for most of us. I love and appreciate authentic, real life writing and people. Blessed by you Krista. Keep going one step, one breath at a time. Gratitude for each moment. xoxo

  14. At the end of your posts I often feel as if you have expressed feelings so beautifully , I am at a loss to try to say more . But I often want to give back something so that you always know you’re incredibly special. Thank you for your ‘just-turn-up ‘story. Thankyou for reaching out to many people who you’ll never hear from. Thankyou for being brave against the odds. Thank you.

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