How to Quiet the Noise Of Comparison in Your Life

Inside: Comparison tells you that you are not good enough and robs you of creativity and joy. I offer you 9 prompts to help notice where comparison is creating noise in your life.

The more we compare the unhappier we are.

Comparison is at the root of much of our discomfort, distraction, and dissatisfaction. It pulls us out of being present to our lives and into our heads, worrying about what others are up to, what they might think of us, how we wish life was or how we think it ought to be. It leaves us feeling lacking, like we’re missing out, or perpetually behind.

Comparison is disempowering and dries up all the energy, passion, and curiosity we could otherwise expend in showing up fully to the imperfect and beautiful life in front of us – in walking out our core values, pursuing our highest priorities, tending to ourselves with compassion, or showing up for the people or causes we care most about.

If we’re not awake to all the sneaky ways comparison threads itself into our heart and thoughts about who we are, our strengths and purpose and value, it holds us back from saying YES to life, from diving in wholeheartedly, or keeps us stuck in surviving but not truly thriving.

Comparison is an act of violence against the self.

Iyanla Vanzant

CAN COMPARISON EVER BE HELPFUL?

“Downward comparison” in theory can make us feel better about ourselves. But more often what I see is that comparison is driven by and amplifies a sense of unworthiness or not being good enough. More often than not it tears us down.

And while for some people this might simply add to a general sense of dissatisfaction with life, hiding, or low self-worth, in some cases, pervasive feelings of being unworthy and not good enough can be destructive and soul-destroying and contribute to leading people down a path of self-loathing, hopelessness, and even suicide.

(The one instance when I notice comparison being helpful is when it acknowledges all the good or privilege in our lives and leads to gratitude, compassion, and positive action or hope-in-action.)

The goal is not to avoid ever tipping again into comparison (we are human and we will compare and judge, though if negative thoughts are taking over your life please seek support) but to deepen self-awareness and the ability to see it at play in our lives so we can then choose a mindful, values-aligned response and not allow it to run amok unchallenged.

how is comparison showing up in your life?

Your symptoms of low self-worth, procrastination, fear of taking risks, people-pleasing, a mean inner critic or self-judgement, struggling with rest, body shame, social anxiety, focusing on the lack in your life, or general life dissatisfaction could be rooted in comparison.

Comparison might keep you scrolling instead of spending even a few minutes on your own creative work. You may hold back from speaking up at work, putting your work into the world, or even painting for pleasure because surely others are better/more talented/wiser than you. 

It might keep you feeling unhappy in your mostly good life because you’re focused on what others are up to. You might miss out on the beauty of each day because you’re busy thinking about what others have that you don’t. 

Maybe you judge yourself or get angry at your body for not being able to hustle instead of honouring your natural pace. Or 80%+ of your thoughts are critical of your body because it does not fit the beauty standards of the day. How else could you use all of this energy?

One of the loudest noises in life comes in the form of comparison for many of the women I meet. 

Do you have a blindspot when it comes to comparison?

I write about perfectionism, comparison, and fear because they tend to come tangled up with each other, and because they have served as significant stumbling blocks and learning opportunities on my personal journey to greater freedom, purpose, health, and joy.

Interestingly though, my readers and clients don’t always immediately identify with comparison or perfectionism as key players in their lives. They don’t always connect their symptoms of low self-worth, procrastination, fear of taking risks, people-pleasing, a mean inner critic, self-judgement, even sometimes social anxiety, for example, with the underlying roots. Part of my work is to help my community connect these dots.

This is such a big topic and I’ve offered resources below to help you learn more and do some work to find greater freedom in this area of your life. But as a tiny light of encouragement, I want to share some truths about life or myself that I only discovered when I learned to quiet the noise of comparison in my life. You might see yourself reflected in one or some of them.

Comparison kills creativity and joy.

Brené Brown

What I Learned About Life & Self When I Quieted the Voice of Comparison in My Life

I am already good enough and have nothing to prove. I’m messy and struggle and feel deeply. And also I’m gifted and I love who I am right now even though I am yet in progress.

I can celebrate you and your unique wiring, respect and admire you, even feel a little envious at times of who and how you are, and also not need to be like you.

In my 40s I found the energy to build a business because I was no longer using it all up trying to order my life “perfectly” or feeling like I never measured up. I found the courage to start writing because I realized I didn’t have to be a great writer, I could simply offer what I had to give.

loving ourselves well changes our experience of life

And I found my voice when I decided I care more about loving myself well and honouring my boundaries and my values, than about what other people might think of me or gaining their approval. I also feel more open to learning from others and less reactive. I no longer tie my self-worth to perfection. This is very freeing.

I love my imperfect body. Now, I am able to release shame and judgment and comparing myself to an arbitrary standard of beauty and focus instead on tending to my mind-body-health and loving the body I’m in.

I no longer look outside of myself for worth. Now, I show up with more peace to my relationships. I’m able to listen better, hold space with a bit more skill, and maintain a sense of humour about how we all try to get our needs met in this world. We’re all rather messy.

I’m a strongly introverted, highly sensitive human, and from a young age struggled with anxiety and suicidality. I am not broken or wrong or defective. I am on purpose, gifted, and needed. My wiring allows me to see what others might miss, to advocate for justice or positive change, and to live with deep compassion for other imperfect and beautiful humans finding their way in this messy world.

I love my work. I bring my greatest strengths to it now instead of judging them or wishing them away.

9 QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU Quiet the Noise of Comparison

Notice where and how comparison is showing up for you. If you can see it you can bring compassion to what you notice and then choose how to move forward. These 9 prompts will support you in this work:

1. What do I want to build, invest in, create, or work towards over the next several months or years of my life? What do I want to bring to life?
2. What are my core values and am I walking them out?
3. What does “enough” look, sound, feel like for me in this season of life?
4. What story am I believing? What do I need to believe, be, or do in order to walk in freedom, wholeness, and joy?
5. How am I putting my happiness and wellbeing in someone else’s hands or giving them power over my life?
6. How can I practice imperfect action this week (and in the next few months) toward what I say I want or need?
7. Who or what sources (ex. of media) tip me into comparison? How will I quiet this noise or create better boundaries in my life so that I feel focused on building a life that is soul-honouring?
8. What does MY body need in this season of my life in order to feel healthy, strong, and have sustainable energy so that I can invest in my own creativity and joy?
9. In what ways am I comparing myself (including my body) and my life to a past version of life or how I wanted my life to be, and keeping myself stuck? Am I ready to loosen my grip and live present in the truth of what is?

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Eleanor Rosevelt

Further support as you do the work to release comparison

1. Are These 12 Lies Keeping You From a Purposeful Life? by alifeinprogress.ca
2. How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others – A Helpful Guide by becomingminimalist.com
3. Stop Comparing Your Life. Start Living It. by becomingminimalist.com
4. Life’s Enough: Stop Comparing Yourself to Others by zenhabits.net
5. Radical Self-Acceptance can Quiet the Noise of Comparison and Unworthiness on Youtube.com
6. Stop comparing yourself to others: do these 10 things instead by betterup.com
7. How To Stop Comparing Yourself To Others With 10 Realistic Tips by divethru.com
8. How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others by ramseysolutions.com
9. Become Your Own Best Friend: Assessment + Workshop by alifeinprogress.ca
10. Diversity is Beautiful: Which of These Best Describe You? by alifeinprogress.ca

This world would be incredibly boring without diversity. We often know this cognitively but we don’t embody the truth of it. We need to learn to recognize the voice of comparison, perfectionism, fear, shame, and judgment in the moment so that we can pause and choose an intentional, brave, and values-aligned response.

And we need to expand our capacity for being with discomfort and showing up fully to our lives anyway.

Krista xo