Being human is weird. On the one hand, I have always desperately longed for family, belonging, and acceptance. Yet there is a fire inside of me (thank you mama) that will not allow me to settle for status quo.
I am wired to push, question, dig, wrestle, wish I could make life easier on myself, long for a voice, practice using my voice, hide, run, rest, start all over again.
I don’t want to fit neat and tidy into someone else’s box. I don’t think YOU have to fit neat and tidy into any box to be loved, acceptable, incredibly beautiful, wise, needed, on purpose.
I’m comfortable with you being uncomfortable with me.
Maryam Hasnaa
I really love this quote (see above) by Maryam Hasnna but also I recognize the work, as always, begins with me.
I have to practice allowing for discomfort inside of me. For living in the questions (💛 Rainer Maria Rilke), for the messiness of seeking freedom, of being afraid and also brave all at once, for not just wanting peace for myself but for all people and not knowing how to do my part and also taking personal responsibility to learn and try and make mistakes and pick myself up over and over again.
I need to make space for the full, messy, glorious, sometimes ugly, truth of who and how I am. I give myself permission to be in progress, but not to give up. To live #imperfectonpurpose because if I wait to feel mature/wise/educated/graceful enough I’ll retreat, lock the doors, pull the blinds, and spiral into despondency.
I think embracing our complexity and weirdness is a beautiful thing.
These past 20 years I’ve had “visions” — a call to be a safe house (to offer rest and food to strengthen people to continue their journey), an image of women in army boots linking arms and crossing the land, lifting up others as we go, of bearing the light of hope & encouragement even as I only have light for the bit of path ahead of me.
I don’t think this is ego talking. I think it’s spirit and longing and hope and possibility and also mission all tangled up together. But I have to offer safety and nourishment and rest and acceptance to myself, to walk my talk, or I have nothing to offer anyone else. I can’t teach what I’m unwilling to practice.
I’m curious – do you sometimes wrestle with the truth that you have all these different parts of you or competing tensions and desires that don’t make life easy or don’t allow you to fit neat and tidy into someone else’s box?
I am so grateful for the brave voices that offer light & courage to me. ✨
Krista xo
I’ve started embracing my love of writing “micro stories” – unedited, unfiltered, honest snapshots of my life in progress, generally shared first on social media. These posts are shorter than normal, without all the fixings, and can be found by selecting the category “snapshots: a life in progress.”
10 Lessons I Want to Pass Down to My Daughters
Very thought-provoking. Yes, I “sometimes wrestle with the truth that I have all these different parts of me or competing tensions and desires that don’t make life easy.” I’m especially wrestling with it in my ministry. I have all these ideas that don’t connect to anything else. But as for fitting in a box, I like boundaries and labels. I like fitting into boxes. 😉 But maybe I’m struggling because I’m trying to fit into someone else’s box.
Hi Lila, I appreciate your honest response. For years I too did like labels and boxes – they didn’t make me “happy” or free but they made me feel safer for a season. Maybe you just need to handcraft a box of your own making with little cubby holes for all the cool, interesting threads of who you are and what lights you up:)
Thank you! What a great word! I also wanted to tell you that I still pray for you at least weekly.