Inside: Perfectionism can drown us. It’s not all on us. We don’t control everything and everyone, no matter how much we care or love or how hard we work.
One of the biggest struggles of my life is releasing my grip on needing, desperately needing, life to be orderly, tidy, safe.
I spent my life wanting to be good – and realizing I could never be “good enough.”
The thing I cared most about in this whole world was to be a good mom – a really good mom. And I think I have been – imperfect, messy, human, needing to work so hard to do my own healing work, but also good. But my own beautiful son who was so much like me ended his life 7 months ago. I keep showing up to life and my family and I continue my own growth work, but I am not in control of it all.
I have worked to be responsible, frugal, intentional with our finances. We lived within our means and faithfully gave to support causes we believe in, I budgeted and did my best and invested. But people we trusted hurt us, a distracted driver almost took our lives and forced us into payments for a new car, the heavy rain is getting into my basement, and a pandemic has messed with my ability to feel on top of it all. I keep choosing my response but I am not in control of it all.
In my young adult years, I was a binge eater then there was a time in my late 20’s when I stopped eating much at all. In my 30’s and early 40’s, I dove into holistic nutrition and functional health and tipped into perfectionism yet again. I wanted to do good, to be responsible and love my family and myself but all the rules and knowledge in the world cannot prevent all illness or pain and sometimes holding tightly to rules just causes more stress. No matter how hard we try, we are not in control of it all.
our favourite shirt gets holes,
the world tips into a pandemic,
kids spill stuff on your carpet,
the world is not always kind or fair,
we lose friendships,
our bodies age,
houses need repair,
hearts get hurt.
And it’s not all on us. We don’t control everything and everyone, no matter how much we care, and how hard we work to do the right thing and love well and jump through hoops and even ask for help.
So one of the biggest struggles of my life is releasing my grip on needing, desperately needing, life to be orderly, tidy, safe.