One day, it feels like a lifetime ago now, I decided to befriend myself. I embraced my “good enough” and began learning to quiet the noise of perfectionism, comparison, fear and shame so that I could show up fully to this imperfect and beautiful life of mine.
I learned to forgive myself for all my struggle and messiness, learned to approve of who and how I am, to witness my gifting, and I realized that I am far stronger, braver and more resilient than I ever understood before.
Not all at once, but daily, as a practice. And over years as a practice. As I felt safe enough to go deeper into my life, my beliefs, my old conditioning and patterns and being compassion to whatever I found there.
Decades of conditioning or deep roots of belief or wounding – sometimes intergenerational – is not usually undone in a day. But there are some radical shifts that CAN happen all of a sudden, in a moment of choice or realization.
And usually this type of lightbulb moment or seeing in a brand new way or drawing a line in the sand, has a significant ripple effect that makes everything else ‘easier’ or somehow more ready to be approached with kindness.
We all have what IFS refers to as the “Self” – our core, our essence, our internal compass that possesses inherent wisdom and healing capacity.
Frank G Anderson MD
Put down deep hardy roots of self-awareness, self-compassion, and imperfect action
Since then, I’ve put down strong, hardy roots of self-awareness and self-compassion. And I built a muscle of imperfect action to help me show up through fear.
This cycle of self-awareness, self-compassion, imperfect action IS how we practice befriending ourselves. And now I help my clients and community do this life-giving work too.
You do not have to live in judgment anymore – comparing yourself to others or trying to keep up or measure up. You do not have to live in shame simply because you’re human in a messy world. Shake off the lie that you are bad, wrong, or broken.
You can build a practice of befriending yourself and decide once and for all that you are enough.
What does it mean to befriend yourself?
Apparently, Italian Renaissance sculptor, painter, architect, and poet, Michelangelo, once said “the sculpture is already complete within the marble block before I start my work. It is already there; I just have to chisel away the superfluous material.”
This is how I envision the process of befriending ourselves.
It’s like peeling away old stories and conditioning, shaking off shame and judgment, uprooting what no longer deserves space in our bodies or lives to reveal the full, beautiful truth of who we are. Who we’ve always been but developed ways of feeling safe and loved in this messy world.
Get to know your True Self
When you meet and befriend yourself you get to know your true self underneath all the conditioning, comparison, heartache, and trying to keep up and measure up.
It means you accept yourself exactly who and how you are even as you do the work to heal, restore, or grow into yourself.
You are not bad, wrong, or broken. You don’t need ‘fixing.’ So, instead of focusing on changing yourself or making yourself better, spend time learning to feel safe, at home, and joyful in your body and life. And build a trusting and respectful relationship with yourself.
Learn to listen inward and respond bravely and compassionately to what you hear. And learn to trust that you are wise and the expert on your own life.
Befriending yourself means that no matter what’s happening in or around you, you’re on your own side. You have your own back. You no longer mask, hide, bully or betray yourself.
Befriending yourself is about brave and compassionate relationship. It’s always a work in progress. And it gets richer and deeper over time, with conscious attention. Just like any other healthy relationship does.
Free: The Befriend Yourself Workshop
In this workshop, you’ll learn why fixing, forcing, and self-criticism never create the change you long for, and how befriending yourself helps you feel calmer and more capable of bringing to life what you truly want. And you’ll learn tried-and-true ways to be kind to yourself each step of the way.
We experience True Rest, freedom, and joy as we befriend our True Selves
Un-rest is often rooted in shame, judgment, comparison, masking/hiding parts of self for belonging, or perfectionism. The more we awaken to the truth that we are both strength and struggle and there’s zero shame in this, a beautiful human in progress, we release the pressures that keep us jumping through hoops and trying to earn our worth through performing or hustle.
You don’t have to earn your worth or prove your value – it simply is. Even when others don’t see or affirm this.
Learning to embrace our whole selves – all the lovely and comfortable bits and also the wounded parts of self or the hardest parts of our story – takes conscious effort. It’s best done in brave community. But it can absolutely be done and the overflow of freedom and joy is such a gift.
Often when we’re on the cusp of great change, discouragement gets loud
I remember very clearly a day where I felt despair – true despair. I wondered if I would ever heal and become my True Self (whole, rooted, joyful, free). It felt impossible that day. The gulf between where I stood and where I hoped to go felt like an overwhelming chasm.
But I also remember one day realizing with a start that the change and healing I had longed for and worked for had come. I looked back and could see where I had come from, one small step at at time.
In the beginning, in those deep, murky waters of pain and self-loathing, it can be very hard to see our progress. We’re in the thick of it. It’s only later, if we do not quit, that we can look back and witness our journey.
Learn more about “True Rest” here.
Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect.
– Brené Brown
10 posts to help you practice befriending yourself + deepening your roots
REMEMBER: You’re not bad, wrong, or broken or a problem to be fixed. Befriend your True Self exactly who and how you are: a colourful human in a messy world. Practice self-compassion until it becomes your new instinct and learn to care for yourself like your own best friend.
How to meet and befriend your True Self (personality and true self are not the same thing)
Befriending True Self is available to us all. No gatekeeper or shortcut can confer the deep wisdom received through years of healing and stripping away, saying yes to personal growth work, and lived experience that makes possible a meeting and befriending true self. Read the full post.
10 Ideas to deepen self-awareness
Learning to befriend yourself requires that you learn to love and value yourself. And self-awareness is essential for this work. These 10 ideas will help you get to know yourself better and deepen your roots of self-awareness and self-compassion. Read the full post here.
My experience as an HSP: 5 weird + wonderful things about me
We’re not meant to BE the same. Healthy community comes from diverse humans showing up in their unique wiring, each of us offering our gifts and perspective, to form a beautiful whole. Sharing our stories helps us know we’re not alone. Read the full post.
Are you a highly sensitive person? Why this will change your life for the better
I was not bad, wrong, or broken– I was a highly sensitive soul working incredibly hard to find my way, without help, in a world that isn’t great at honouring diversity. Read the full post here.
Self-compassion will help you become your own best friend
Practicing self-compassion lowers self-judgment and depressive symptoms, decreases stress, increases resilience and feelings of self-worth.. If I could offer you one gift it would be the gift of self-compassion. Read the full post here.
How to practice fierce self-compassion to get unstuck
People who practice self compassion are shown to be more motivated, less afraid to fail, have more self-confidence and a higher degree of self responsibility, are more resilient and better at coping in difficult situations. Read the full post here.
How to stay healthy in fall and winter: 10 science-based self-care tips
In this post I offer 10 science-based self-care tips that help me stay healthy through the dark and cold autumn and winter seasons. Read the full post here.
7 self-care practices for when life feels painful
Self-care is always important yet easily neglected. In painful seasons of life when it feels like we’re drowning it can feel incredibly hard to see our way forward. Read the full post.
10 lessons I want to pass down to my daughters
No.5: I don’t just love you because I’m your mama, but I see you, I witness your strength and struggle, I am so grateful to share life with and learn from you, and I LIKE you as a human. Read the full post.
Finally deciding you’re good enough can quietly change the world
Finally deciding I am good enough means instead of hiding I take personal responsibility and use my words and life to help build the world I want to live in. Read the full post here.
Now What? Resources to help you practice befriending yourself
Take the next step. Here are three simple starting points.
