Embrace Imperfection or Real Life Will Never Be Enough

Embrace Imperfection or Real Life Will Never Be Enough

Inside: Our real, messy lives will be “never enough” until we embrace imperfection and accept that we are not in control of it all. I opened up my inbox as I often do in the morning to sift through interesting articles and ideas, share some online, and save a seed or two of thought for a later date. This morning it struck me as funny – in a sort of unfriendly, depressing way – that my intentionally curated inbox, brimming with interesting stats, science, and personal opinion for how to […]

Walking Each Other Home: 19 Gifts of this Year as I Walked My Son Home

Walking Each Other Home: 19 Gifts of this Year as I Walked My Son Home

Walking each other home is a privilege. Here are 19 gifts I’ve picked up as I walked alongside my son through the final year of his life. TW: suicide, depression, grief On a cold wintry night, just over a year ago, my son and I sobbed and argued together as he finally admitted the truth about his plan to die. As his mama, I already knew. I knew him better than any other human on this planet. I feel like I knew him in ways he did not know himself […]

Holding Your Breath: When Your Child Dies

Holding Your Breath: When Your Child Dies

TW: suicide, depression, grief I’ve started an art scholarship in my son Jairus’ name: all proceeds from my Winter Mindfulness Journal go to the scholarship. xo I’m choosing to process some of my grief out loud. First, it is helping me when I feel like I’ll explode with rage or pain. Second, maybe it’ll help another parent feel less alone. This is a very personal journey. Please click away if reading about someone else’s loss – and particulary the topic of suicide – will be triggering for you right now. ******** […]

Ordinary Magic

Ordinary Magic

Inside: I think magic comes in the ordinary – for those willing to see. Do you want more space or permission to pause and notice the ordinary magic of your life? The streets are black apart from the meager light cast by the streetlamps. But this is more than enough light to illuminate the sparkle of the snowflakes as they begin to fall. You sense magic in the air. You throw on a tuque and warm mitts, lace up fuzzy boots, and head out for an impromptu night-time stroll. You […]

My Beautiful Son Has Ended His Life

My Beautiful Son Has Ended His Life

Trigger Warning: Suicide, depression My beautiful son has ended his life after a long, ferocious battle with severe depression and persistent suicidal ideation. He wanted to live. Wanting to live and knowing how are two different things. And mental illness, just like cancer, is not something we choose. It is not shameful or a reflection of character. And it is not the fullness of who we are. Jairus was a deep thinker and challenged me to consider and see differently. He was playful, loved to tease, and loved when I’d play […]

This is What it Looks Like to Become Real

This is What it Looks Like to Become Real

Inside: to become real hurts and once you’re real you can’t be ugly. But not everyone understands this yet. Naked in her room or tub, she’d let us come in. I suppose it was hard to find time alone when mothering so many. I learned what I would look like by watching her but I have no point of reference past 53. I find it curious that she found it easier to bare skin than soul. The last time we went out together when she was still able – we sat, […]

Change Comes Softly

Change Comes Softly

Change comes softly. We gathered in the hospital room, taking our turns at his side. Whispering goodbyes that were wholly insufficient. And then he was gone. But it had been a year and a half of prognosis and treatment, of driving back and forth never knowing if this time would be the last I got to sit with him, hoping and needing to somehow absorb every last bit of life wisdom he had to spare. Before he left. There was not enough time and more than we were initially given. […]

Parenting Lessons From My Mom

Parenting Lessons From My Mom

As a child, I would awaken sometimes in the middle of the night to the hum of the sewing machine. I don’t know if my mom couldn’t sleep or if she was driven, out of necessity, to complete a project for one of us kids. The night before my brother, Jesse, was due she must have stayed up super late to complete my 13th birthday gift. I awoke in the morning, my mom already gone to the hospital, to find a colorful button-down shirt and matching flouncy skirt on a hanger, neatly […]