For years women asked me when they could hold my words in their hands. The 52 Mondays series of seasonal mindfulness journals was my first attempt at this. In particular, a first attempt to move through fear to put my words into the world in some tangible, hold-in-your-hands way that reflects my heart and way of seeing life.
I had no idea when I started writing my journals that they would carry me through the final days of my son’s life. And now that they’re done, and he is gone, I need to keep writing.
I want to make my life a work of art. Making art is messy.Krista xo
Unshackled: Remembering My Way to Freedom
Several years ago I starting working with an agent and walked away. It wasn’t time.
Winter 2018/19, around the time my son wrote out his will and tried to end his life for the first time, a publishing house reached out to me with a book deal. I needed to be present for my son. It wasn’t time.
And then September 2019, I decided it was time to start writing but a serious car accident derailed my plans. And three weeks after that, my beautiful son ended his life.
After my son died, a small whisper told me that maybe if I could just get through the first 100 days that I’d be OK. I didn’t know if the voice was right or not, but I started counting.
Some mornings I would wake up and feel like I’d explode if I didn’t get some of the swirling rage and pain and love for him out of me and onto paper. So I would write.
My aim was to write raw and honest. Unshackled.
I’e always wanted to write this way, though. Back at the start.
These days I’d simply call it “telling the truth.”
I often resist writing yet it’s one of the ways I find my way forward
— gently and on purpose.
MY BOOK (IN PROGRESS): unshackled
In January 2021, I signed a contract with Homebound Publications to bring my first book into the world. My book’s initial estimated birth-date was spring 2023. But 17 months of PTSD and severe panic disorder, profound grief, and learning as a family how to live without Jairus meant I needed to push the dates to allow ample space to heal and grieve. Grief cannot be forced or rushed. My new publication date is spring 2025.
living the end of one story before stepping into the next
In spite of all the twists and turns I’ve encountered, although I needed to press pause on my first manuscript to make space for sufficient healing and restoration after my son died, and to live the end of one story before stepping into the next, my vision once more feels clear and strong.
As of January 2022 I’ve been doing a lot of behind the scenes work to ready my business so that I can spend more time and energy on my deep work. I’ve returned to writing slow and steady, practicing self-compassion faithfully, honouring my grief and healing journey, and remembering that for now, all I have to do is write one honest story at a time.
As always, this will be enough.