A full, beautiful, meaningful life is a messy one. Paradox. This isn’t a mark of character or doing life poorly. It’s simply part of being human in a messy world.
For much of my life, I looked ahead to the future, planning in detail, dreaming of the day I’d have life all figured out, I’d feel good in my skin and assured of my place in the world, and all my needs would be met abundantly.
I also spent a lot of time worrying about the next hard phone call, the next scary or hard thing that laid in wait around the bend. I didn’t feel strong or brave or particularly well-equipped for life in this noisy, unpredictable, hurting world.
In both cases, I deferred happiness or the joy of today, needing, wanting, judging, waiting for my ideal picture of a good life to materialize. This was reinforced in my 30s by romantic comedies that made me question the strength of my own marriage, books or programs centering on weight loss, home decorating shows or magazines that left me wanting more or better or even homeschooling books that portrayed an image of what a strong family “should” look like.
In learning to tune out the noise, tune in to my actual life, and in challenging the idea that life is supposed to resemble some fairy tale myth of pure bliss, I realized I was already living inside my dream.
Krista O’Reilly-Davi-Digui
Real life is messy. To be human is messy.
Fortunately, I realized that real life is messy. To be human is messy. To love is messy.
I woke up to the truth that I was going to miss out on my whole life unhappy, feeling less than, trying to measure up and keep up, or wishing my simple life away by wanting to skip over the hard bits, if I didn’t make a significant change, and quickly.
I got rid of TV, stopped reading home decorating or lifestyle magazines, and established better boundaries all around so that I could be present to my one real life.
Amazingly, in learning to tune out the noise, tune in to my actual life, and in challenging the idea that life is supposed to resemble some fairy tale myth of pure bliss, I realized I was already living inside my dream.
Life was nowhere close to perfect but I started to understand that I didn’t require perfect. I didn’t need to BE perfect.
There is no perfect, of course. We all know this logically. But there is plenty that is beautifully imperfect and worthwhile.
I made the life-changing decision to stop waiting for someday or for perfect and to dive headlong into the very imperfect but wonderful life in front of me. And it was good. Stretching but good.
I found freedom in embracing paradox and opening up to joy and beauty in the midst of the messiness of life.
What does it mean to embrace paradox or practice ‘both/and’?
Paradox is the ability to hold the tension of two seemingly contradictory truths and recognize that life is rarely only one thing or the other. It’s a messy combo of both/and.
When I talk about the powerful practice of ‘both/and’ it means noticing our tendency toward all or nothing thinking (a very common cognitive distortion), and learning to pause and capture our thoughts and then replace them with a more honest truth.
Some examples of embracing paradox in your life
So for instance, you might have a hard hour with your teenager and tell yourself the story that this was a bad day. But when you pause to examine this thought you realize that actually it was a lovely day, with a hard middle.
Or let’s say you’re in an incredibly painful season of life. Your brain might tell you that this is all there is, there’s no hope. But when you’re able to pause and examine this belief you remind yourself that even in the midst of all of the heartache and pain, you are still grateful for so much. There is still beauty in your life also. This doesn’t negate the pain and this has nothing to do with magical thinking or bypassing. It’s simply true – both are true at once.
One more example to help reinforce the idea: Imagine you’re in the middle of life and launching a new business. This is exciting and you’re proud of yourself. Some of the time. Because it’s vulnerable to let yourself be seen and risk something new, your self-doubt gets loud at times. Your inner critic is asking for attention. Both are true at once. You don’t have to choose. You can be proud of yourself and also feel scared. Just like you can feel excited and also have wobbly moments of imposter syndrome.
What happens when this practice becomes our new instinct is the ability to show up fully in every season with strength, resilience, and more joy.
Embracing paradox helps us practice imperfect action
Learning to embrace paradox allows us to practice imperfect action – rather than living mired in perfectionism or an all or nothing mindset.
Practicing imperfect action is simply about consistently taking steps toward what you want or need. The size of the step doesn’t matter. Your confidence level in the moment doesn’t matter. What other people are up to or how they show up, doesn’t factor into it.
We find our way in (imperfect) action, not before. We can’t find our way by sitting on the couch, taking one more course, or waiting for ‘perfect conditions.’ Perfection is not required.
To heal, thrive, grow forward, all we have to do is take one small step and then another.
I’m done waiting for perfect. I want to live grateful, joyful, and excited about life today. Not because it feels easy or always comfortable, but simply because this ordinary day is an incredible gift and I don’t want to miss it.
Krista O’Reilly-Davi-Digui
10 posts to help you embrace paradox + open to joy and beauty
REMEMBER: Life “shouldn’t” feel neat and tidy and joy and pain coexist in a brave and beautiful life if you allow it. Learning to embrace paradox and shift your experience of life is freeing and empowering. Consistently practice imperfect action: you find your way in action, not before.
Let go of the life you wanted and embrace the one you have
Throughout my life, I’ve had many times of ‘bumping up against reality.’ Seasons when life was not what I had hoped for and I struggled with anger, grief, and fear as I faced the reality in front of me. Each of these experiences invited me to loosen my grip on how I thought it ‘should’ be and embrace the truth in front of me. Read the full post here.
Just choose all or something
So much of our pain is rooted in the desire for perfection or having it all figured out. We accept a binary, all or nothing mindset because we’ve bought into the lie that to be or do less than “perfect” is unacceptable. Read the full post here.
When you don’t know what to do, just do the next right thing
When you aren’t sure how you’ll recover or come up for air again, and you can’t see your way forward, just do the next right thing in front of you. Read the full post here.
The beautiful gift of changing your thinking
When we learn to turn toward and examine our stories, to pause between impulse and response, to notice our habitual patterns, witness our emotions, bodily sensations, and our thoughts… and then to CHOOSE our response, we show up to life and relationships from an empowered state. Read the full post here.
Pay attention to the beauty that surrounds you
Practicing the art of noticing beauty around you, making space for the presence of wonder, is an antidote to the things that steal your hope, your peace, and your joy. Read the full post.
Hope is the thing with feathers
But we think life is all or nothing. Darkness and light. Straight up happiness or abject misery. And the truth falls somewhere messy in-between. Joy and pain. Beauty and suffering. Read the full post.
Life is Messy: Stop looking for perfect and embrace what is
It all goes by so fast. And if we spend it waiting for someday to be happy, we will miss the incredible gift we have been handed. Read the full post here.
Celebrating life, choosing trust, and finding joy in the wild
The way to be okay is not for life to be all one thing and not the other, but to practice opening ourselves up to joy in the middle of the storm. Or the wildfire. Read this post.
Hope is protective against despair and depression. Higher levels of hope improves mood, physical and psychological wellbeing, and can lead to better outcomes in the face of a life-threatening situation. It increases life satisfaction and self-esteem. Read the full post.
I find calm in the space of in-between
I wanted life to be black and white but instead, I have found grace in the land of grey. In curiosity, and erring on the side of compassion, and believing in mystery. Read the full post here.
19 gifts of this year as I walked my son home
Walking each other home is a privilege (and can be heart-breaking). Here are 19 gifts I’ve picked up as I walked alongside my son through the final year of his life. Read the full post.
Now what? Resources to help you embrace paradox
Take the next step. Here are three starting points.
