We need to give ourselves permission to rest and recalibrate. In every season and especially after seasons of grief, trauma, stress, or struggle. I use the word “permission” intentionally.
We might know the science around rest – why it’s so important to our mental and physical health, for example. We know that lack of rest is connected to mental health issues like anxiety and depression. But knowing something is very different from practicing it.
And in midlife, life is full. The demands on our time, energy, and resources is high and rest will not happen by accident. In addition, we’ve been conditioned to believe that rest or taking time for ourselves is selfish. That we are lacking in compassion if we pause to fill ourselves up when others need us.
So many of us have learned to tie our worth to giving, serving, tending to others until we run dry. I know all about this.
Many of us don’t rest until forced to do so – we need to change our behaviour
For years I operated in a cycle of pushing myself past my energetic and emotional capacity. Ignoring the wisdom of rest trying to tend to everyone’s needs and manage my home and life with perfection. Then inevitably falling ill.
I used to feel relieved when I’d get sick and be forced into rest! Getting sick was the only way I felt permission to clear my calendar and lie on the couch for a weekend. In addition to rest being essential for our mind-body health, there are so many other reasons why we must weave rest into our day, week, and year.
- When we prioritize rest, we cultivate creativity.
- We maximize our productive hours.
- We live more joyfully as we ebb and flow intentionally from filling our tank to pouring out our gifts.
- We live resilient and rooted in self-awareness and self-compassion as we allow our bodies and brains time to restore.
- We create the necessary space for processing emotion, listening inward, and truth-telling about what is and isn’t working well in our lives.
- Quieting the noise is essential if we want to reconnect with or grow into our true selves.
- The most important reason to rest, though, is simply because we’re human and we matter. We don’t have to prove our worth or dance for our supper. Rest is one important way that we value ourselves.
The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself.
Diane Von Furstenberg
Why it’s important to practice “True Rest”
In my work I often talk about “true rest.” What I mean by this is rest that is shame and judgment-free. It lights you up / fills you up / or nourishes you deeply. It can vary day by day or season to season and it honours your wiring and your current capacity.
In one season of life watching Netflix may feel restful and nourishing and in another season it isn’t anymore. In one season getting out for hikes in nature restores your soul. While, in a different season, lying on the couch doing nothing is exactly what you need. This is why we have to be careful not to compare with others or even hold ourselves against what used to work for our body and life.
What true rest is not – forcing ourselves to follow someone else’s rules or good ideas. Lying on the couch while our inner critic berates us or we mull over our to-do list. Choices we make out comparison, judgment, “shoulds,” or fear.
We may need to relearn safety in rest
Learning to rest is a practice and it can take quite a bit of practice for our bodies to settle in and feel safe at rest. So while we learn and practice, it’s likely that different emotions and thoughts will arise. Judgment may arise, for instance. Our inner critic may get nasty.
We don’t control everything that shows up BUT we can learn to keep gently redirecting, quieting, or compassionately hearing whatever arises, but no longer let it control our life. We always get to choose our response.
As we navigate the menopause transition, seasons of deep grief or loss, or following a time of prolonged stress or illness, we will need more rest than usual. More than our ego wants. And we’ll need to practice True Rest like never before.
Over time, as we practice through the discomfort, rest becomes natural again.
Give yourself permission to rest, guilt and judgment-free
You’re the one who must give yourself permission to rest. Other people can encourage you and model healthy choices. But no one can choose for you.
Self-awareness is the birthplace of sustainable change. So consider the obstacles or resistance that typically hold you back from rest.
A belief that if you rest you are lazy? Time? Lack of structure or routine? A chaotic or cluttered home? Over commitment? Grief or trauma? Anxiety that makes it hard to quiet your brain? Physical issues? A lack of self-trust? Family or friends who interrupt your time of rest or try to make you feel guilty for resting?
Perhaps, you aren’t even sure what would help you feel rested and don’t know where to begin. If this is true for you, boundary work is always helpful.
Healthy boundaries are essential for us to practice rest
A super common reasons we struggle to get the rest we need is poor boundary skills or leaky boundaries.
Boundaries are compassionate for you and everyone else. They help us maintain healthy relationships (less anger or resentment, for example), they support our health (less over-giving and burnout), they model safety and respect to our kids, and they reflect the truth that we matter too.
We all have boundary work to do. I’ve created two workshops to help women in my community learn to build and honour brave boundaries.
Building a friendship with yourself will makes rest easier
The more we befriend ourselves, the more ease we feel in giving ourselves permission to rest. In fact, befriending our True Self is a form of rest in and of itself!
When we choose to love the fullness of who and how we are, and we practice honouring our wiring in every season, we naturally weave rest into our life. Or at least we become open to learning how to do this.
This Weekly Rhythm Workshop offers a tried-and-true process for building a weekly rhythm with space for daily and weekly rest, a critical weekly check-in, and that helps you honour your wiring and capacity in this and every season.
When we befriend ourselves, we no longer live in perpetual judgment, comparison, perfectionism, or shame. We acknowledge the work we still want to do in terms of healing or growth, but practice compassion along the way.
We create a sense of safety within ourselves, lower stress, and make space for more joy, curiosity, and overall wellbeing in our life.
7 unique forms of rest
In 2021, Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith created a TEDx Talk entitled “The real reason why we are tired and what to do about it.” In her talk, Dr Dalton Smith outlined 7 types of rest that every person needs.
The 7 types of rest she outlines are physical, emotional, mental, social, sensory (HSP’s you need this!), spiritual, and creative rest. I talk about these different types of rest in this podcast episode and this episode about 12 reasons why you may not rest.
I’ve created worksheets you can use to explore the different types of rest you most need as you move through the middle season of life. Click the button below. And, below that link, you can watch a short talk I gave on how to practice True Rest through the seasons of midlife.
10 resources to support you in giving yourself permission to rest and recalibrate
REMEMBER: Slow down; your worth isn’t found in performance or productivity. Give yourself permission to rest, restore, recalibrate, and get resourced through healthy community, brave boundaries, and whatever else you need to (re)build your resilience bank account.
Three purposeful questions I ask myself each night
For years I’ve asked myself these meaningful questions at night to end my way with intention – I keep at it because I notice the benefit to my life. It tends to be the small habits practiced with consistency that help build a life worth living. Read the full post.
How to practice “True Rest” in each new season
Learning how to practice true rest in each season of life is one form of learning to trust the wisdom of your body. Learn new ideas for how to practice true rest in your 40s, 50s, and 60s. Read the full post.
9 “Bad Habits” I think you should adopt for a happy life
For a happy life, you might need to push back against many of the ideals you’ve clung to for years. You might even choose to joyfully disregard much of the wisdom du jour. Read the full post here.
Slow down and lie on the couch all weekend
For happiness and a full beautiful life, it’s essential that we slow down and make space for purposeful rest. We can’t pour out what we don’t first pour in. Read the full post here.
Why you need to practice soul-care in winter seasons
In “winter seasons”, or following times of prolonged stress or over-giving, you can tip into sluggishness or low motivation and worry that you’ll never find your way back again. You may judge yourself lazy or think this is an issue of procrastination when what’s happening is a call to return to wholeness.. Read the full post.
The simple but uncommon boundary tip you’ve likely never considered
One of the easiest ways to cut our “work load” and create more ease and joy in life, is to declutter the relationships, commitments, or spaces we belong to that are not life-giving! The Circle of Impact Exercise will help you build a life you want. Read the full post here.
Boundaries are compassionate (not selfish): This is why
Boundaries are compassionate for everyone involved. And the only way to enjoy a healthy relationship, to thrive in midlife, or to live healthy and whole, is to learn to name, communicate and honour your (and other people’s) boundaries.. Read the full post here.
Overwhelmed by life? Gift yourself an abundance of rest
In a culture that idolizes doing more, acquiring more, being more, and that conditions us to believe that our worth is tied to our level of productivity or achievement, it feels brave to make rest an integral and delightful part of our lifestyle and live vision. It can also feel deeply uncomfortable. Read the full post.
What if all I want is a mediocre life?
What if I embrace my limitations and stop railing against them. Make peace with who I am and what I need and honour your right to do the same. Accept that all I really want is a small, slow, simple life. A mediocre life. A beautiful, quiet, gentle life. I think it is enough. Read the full post.
Quality sleep: Love yourself well and live with joy
Rest matters. A lot. Yet THE most important thing that deeply impacts our brain and body, both in the short and long-term, the thing that some researchers say “guarantees wellbeing and mental health”, is quality sleep. Read the full post.
Now what? Resources to help you get some rest
Take good care of yourself and intentionally make space for rest in your life – here are three simple starting points.
