I write a whole lot about fear. This is because I spent much of my life mired in it – anxious, afraid, feeling like I didn’t have what it takes to survive in this world.
There is no shame in experiencing fear or anger or any other emotion – we are human in a messy world. For wholeness and joy we need to identify and acknowledge our emotions and then allow them to keeping moving. Learning to be in discomfort (including being with uncomfortable emotions) is an important part of learning that we “have what it takes.”
Perhaps, like me, you don’t identify with the folks that write about living “fearless.” Instead, what I learned, what I still practice daily, is to show up through fear (or sorrow or discomfort…) to build the life I want.
I don’t wait until life feels fear-less, stress-free, or smooth-sailing to show up fully to this imperfect and beautiful life of mine.
Building resilience and learning how to expand my nervous system capacity for discomfort (including fear) but also for joy/pleasure/excitement, helps me craft a soul-honouring life.
Listen to some related rebranding middle age podcast episodes
I’ve linked to a couple older episodes related to showing up with strength when life is messy, and another about healing, growing, and becoming “at the speed of safety.”
What’s a “window of capacity” and how do I expand my capacity?
When I speak of expanding our capacity I’m referring to expanding our window of capacity (sometimes called window of tolerance or window of resilience).
Every one of us has a finite emotional and energetic bank account. We can’t pour out if we’re dry/spent/burnt out. We have seasons of life where our window of capacity is smaller or broader. This is part of the human experience.
Stephen Porges, PhD and founder of Polyvagal Theory says that each of us has a specific threshold for stress and trauma. This threshold is our Window of Tolerance. “The wider your window, the greater tolerance you have for stressful events and demanding situations. The narrower your window, the lower tolerance you have for stressful situations and hardship. The width of your window is not fixed, though, and it’s been shown that persistent stress and trauma shrink your window, while safe connection and healing widen your window of tolerance” (source).
I’m not only interested in enlarging my capacity for stress and trauma. I want to widen my capacity for JOY, excitement, delight, curiosity, for stretching and risking. I want to keep learning and growing and becoming my healthiest and wisest Self.
Coaching for Brave, Growth-Minded Midlife Women
You’re done people-pleasing, devaluing yourself, and deferring joy for some future magical day. You’re ready to BE who you want to be in the world and learn to BE on your own side. And you’re committed to a practice of consistent values-aligned action to handcraft a life you love and that allows you to thrive in every season – even the hardest of them.
This is the crux of what I help others do through my work. I help midlife women:
1) Quiet the conditioning and noise so they can befriend their True Selves, all their parts, their strength and struggle. We need to be on our own side, hone our inner voice, and build self-trust;
2) Embrace paradox or the truth that joy and pain live tangled up together in a messy and beautiful life. Life is messy, we are messy, other people are messy. Messy doesn’t mean “bad, wrong, or broken”;
3) Practice a soul-honouring (kinder, gentler) way of being in their body and life while honouring their wiring and true capacity in every season. This involves a practice of “imperfect action” and knowing when it’s time to focus on rest and recalibration and when it’s a season of gently expanding their capacity;
4) Live “on purpose” – with a sense of agency and clear intention as they walk out their values, use their gifts, enjoy life, and help build a world they want to live in. This isn’t about size of life – it’s about pouring in so that so that what they (we) spill over into the world is healthy and hopeful.
A healthy nervous system is flexible (flexibility is a key part of resilience)
A healthy nervous system is not always calm or serene. We’re meant to be able to mobilize in the face of danger. We need to experience activation to motivate us to go to work and feed our bodies. And we’re supposed to get angry when a boundary is violated or in the face of injustice.
We are wired for resilience, to be able to adapt, flex, and respond appropriately to stimuli. But then we must rest, replenish, and return once more to our optimal zone of arousal. This is what is called our safe and social state. The state of being where we thrive and show up as our true selves.
I say this so often but it needs repeating: More and faster isn’t better!
There are seasons where it’s appropriate and wise to focus on self-preservation or restoration, not growth or expansion. These seasons sometimes look like nothing is happening on the surface when, in fact, we are putting down deep roots that will prepare us for expanding once more, and that will anchor us when the storms of life come.
So when we are talking about building resilience or expanding our capacity, we need to remember that MORE AND FASTER ISN’T BETTER. We need seasons of rest, deep self-care, reflection, and turning inward as much as we need seasons of engaging outward, building community, and sharing our gifts.
But in general, if we try to avoid all stress, avoid all risk and vulnerability, attempt to craft a safe and orderly bubble for ourselves (which really doesn’t work anyway), we decrease our window of capacity.
We become more rigid, less able to respond to life’s stressors, less resilient when the big storms of life come. Likewise, if we’re always in a state of activation or chronic stress, we’re always pushing, hustling, striving, or we’ve been navigating trauma, loss, or major transition, our window of capacity will be naturally smaller.
The Brave + Beautiful Community for midlife women. Build a friendship with yourself. And be in community with others who are learning to value themselves and live with more joy.
What is resilience? We need to proactively build resilience
Resilience is sometimes described as our ability to bounce back after hard life events. But resilience is also our ability (or capacity) to meet life challenges with bravery, wisdom, and strength. Resilience also allows us to pursue our dreams, risk vulnerability in meaningful ways, and show up fully to life and thrive in every season.
There are a few key components of resilience. We can think of the three components in the context of physical, emotional, cognitive, and communal wellbeing and resilience.
- The first component is strength which comes in many forms including healthy community.
- A second key aspect of resilience is flexibility – our agility or willingness to adapt and hold things loosely.
- A third component of resilience is a healthy mindset or our ability and willingness to challenge our automatic assumptions, conditioned responses, or fearful thinking.
For example, to shift away from preconceived ideas about aging and to embrace a healthier mindset around aging. I find that humor is helpful in so many situations and can support resilience. It might include getting creative about how we think about community or meeting our social needs (for example, online community is REAL community).
This isn’t about denial or bypassing emotions. It’s about building the mental capacity to look for multiple pathways forward. And also to train our focus. We all have a negativity bias and we must consciously direct our focus toward what we DO WANT TO GROW instead of what we do not want (the negative, hard, scary).
We heal at the speed of safety: Go gently
As we expand our capacity for joy or the full gamut of human experience, then, we focus on gentle stretching not stressing of the nervous system. We take it slow and steady, mindfully, compassionately, to increase a felt sense of safety. We learn to honour our wiring and honest capacity in every season.
When we stress our window of capacity we tip right back into our self-protective mechanisms.
We heal at the speed of safety. We learn to feel safe by practicing self-compassion and curiosity and/or finding brave and empathetic community in which we can learn and grow with others.
The only way to get from here to freedom and joy is through the wilds of messy, soul-stretching, brave work. And when we say YES to this journey we meet and grow into our bravery, wisdom, strength.
In action, not before, we grow into our capacity to face our deepest fears and show up fully and in integrity, to our messy and beautiful life.
Showing up through fear – like all growth and becoming – requires both vision and practice. We build this muscle like any other. One stubborn step and then another. We’re all simply practicing.
10 posts that will help you embrace your inner work and expand your capacity for the fullness of life
REMEMBER: We heal/grow/become at the speed of safety*: name and process stress and grief, regulate your nervous system, and expand your window of capacity to love yourself well and so that you feel more empowered to show up fully even in the hardest seasons of life.
What is hope? And how to practice hope in action
Hope is protective against despair and depression. Higher levels of hope improves mood, physical and psychological wellbeing, and can lead to better outcomes in the face of a life-threatening situation. It increases life satisfaction and self-esteem. Read the full post.
What you need to know about stress to feel more empowered
Pandemic fatigue, war, income insecurity, dealing with loss, relationship conflict from political differences, etc. all take their toll. Both “big T trauma” and “little t trauma” need to be acknowledged and processed or else they lead to nervous system dysregulation and find ways to manifest in our bodies in order to be heard. Read the full post.
Reclaim your agency: 7 empowering ways to navigate stress
Learning empowering ways of navigating stress puts us back into the driver’s seat when our life feels unmoored or shaken. We can continue building our resilience toolbox so we can show up brave, whole, and on purpose in every season (even the hardest of them). Read the post.
Grief support: Tools for suicide or child Loss
Grief can be both traumatic and transformative. Both are true in my experience. We live in a grief-illiterate and avoidant society and many of us feel isolated, and even judged or shamed, as we navigate deep grief and pain. We need to change this story. Here are some tools for child or suicide loss.
When the world is spinning wildly – just breathe
When you have witnessed the suffering of someone you love and helped bury them deep in the soil. And your soul feels like it is being rent in two. Wail. Release the deep guttural groans that speak what a thousand sermons never could. Then remind yourself to breathe again. Read the full post.
30 things to declutter for more midlife joy
To really embrace midlife joy we must choose to do the hard (and brave) work of stripping away all the noise and clutter of our lives. Then we can step into greater freedom, wholeness, and joy. Read the full post here.
Do hard things if you want to live a purposeful life
Unless we want to spend life in hiding, mired in fear, or numbed out – we need to learn to show up afraid and move toward discomfort and practice doing things that feel hard. Read the full post here.
7 accessible ways to build resilience in the storm
We must build resilience to equip us for the storms of life. Simply because we are human in a messy world, we will experience stress, loss, or hard life circumstances. We don’t get to control all of life circumstances, nature, or other people’s choices. But we can prepare for this reality to some degree. Read the full post.
How to show up with strength when you must begin again
Staying curious in hard seasons necessitates resilience which includes flexibility, deep core strength, and hope in good supply, as well as a willingness to surrender the plans we once held dear, the path we believed we needed to feel safe and happy in the world so that we can remain open to new possibility. Even joyful possibility. Read the full post.
7 self-care practices for when life feels painful
Sharing our stories and example – imperfect and messy though it may be – invites others to come alongside and practice without judgment. It feels hopeful to know we are not alone and to hear how others continue to keep their hearts soft and to forge ahead with determination through the hard parts of life. We’re all just practicing. Read the full post.
Now what? Resources to help you expand your capacity for the fullness of life.
Take your next step. Here are three simple starting points.
