How To Show Up With Strength When You Must Begin Again

Inside: Forced or willingly there come times in life when our familiar ground falls away and we step into a new season.These 5 habits can help you show up with strength and resilience if you must begin again.

In times of turbulence or transition, the structure and flow of our daily life shifts. Familiar ground falls away. And we must face a new beginning.

This past fall, after a long horrific battle to keep my son alive, after he left this world, I was forced to begin again.

From crisis to car collision to cremation of our child & deep grief — to life in the middle of a pandemic and all sorts of stressors in between, in many ways my life these past 18+ months have felt like a bad movie. But every single morning I am invited to choose my response and to become a beginner all over again.

We can consciously do the work to build resilience pro-actively, but resilience is also forged in the fire.

Resilience is not a fixed personality trait. It’s a lifelong project.

Sheryl Sandberg

What does it mean to begin again?

Leo Babauta of Zen Habits says that beginner’s mind is “dropping our expectations and preconceived ideas about something, and seeing things with an open mind, fresh eyes, just like a beginner. (…) You’re also looking at everything as if it’s brand new, perhaps with curiosity and wonder.”

We might also think about choosing to begin again as writing a new story – or a new chapter for our lives. When we acknowledge that life is messy, imperfect, and sometimes crushing but that our story isn’t done yet and we can keep writing, we’re more able to access the curiosity and bravery required to forge ahead through uncertainty.

When kids begin leaving the nest and building separate lives of their own, after divorce whether desired or not, death of a loved one or job loss, we benefit from a beginner’s mind. Similarly, when going through a major relocation, finding a new normal after illness/diagnosis or chronic stress or trauma, or walking through an unexpected, life-altering reality like the Covid-19 pandemic, we are challenged and invited to release our tight grip on how we think life should be so that we can show up to the life in front of us and begin again.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

Viktor Frankl

3 characteristics of a wise and healthy beginner

Staying curious and scanning for new possibility in hard seasons necessitates resilience. Resilience includes flexibility, deep core strength, and hope in good supply. It also includes a willingness to surrender the plans we once held dear, the path we believed we needed to feel safe and happy in the world so that we can remain open to new possibility. Even joyful possibility.

Because joy and pain truly can coexist.

Even when we feel deeply afraid and it seems like we might never be happy again, it’s helpful to remind ourselves or look for models of the truth that we can survive and even learn to thrive through adversity or upheaval.

In the following I focus on emotional and psychological strength. But we can also think of these characteristics in the physical realm. Flexibility or physical agility, core strength, and aging mindset, for example, have a tremendous positive impact on physical health. Several studies over the past two decades show that positive attitudes about aging increase longevity. They also increase quality of life.

1. Flexibility

My work teaches a practice of self-awareness, self-compassion, and imperfect action. This is how we build agency and live “on purpose” in every season. And it’s the way we put down deep, hardy roots that hold us fast when the storms of life come.

Living rooted in self-awareness (which includes but is not limited to clarity around our primary values, personality strengths and struggles, and our deepest hopes and dreams) and self-compassion (which is comprised of self-kindness, mindfulness, and an understanding of our common humanity), allows us to flex and bend without breaking in hard times, vulnerable and stretching experiences, or natural but unmooring shifts as we move from one season of life to another.

We know who and how we are – our strengths and struggles – shame and judgment-free. We are honest about our coping mechanisms and the core basics of what we need to feel steady and anchored in life. And as long as we act on what we learn (or practice imperfect action), we weave systems and rhythms into our life to create a sustainable, and soul-honouring life.

This means that we have more reserve for the things in life that cannot be controlled or planned for. Things like crisis, unexpected loss, or illness. Living with deep roots increases the likelihood that we’ll be able to look for creative solutions as needed. We’ll be able to ask for help or shift course as needed, and bounce back when knocked down.

READ: Why You Need to Honour Your Wiring and Capacity.

2. Deep Core Strength

Deep core strength can look a lot like grit combined with holding space for self and others. Psychologist and researcher, Angela Duckworth, says grit is the ability to persist in something you feel passionate about and about perseverance or continuing to work hard when you face obstacles or after experiencing difficulty or failure.

So stubbornly choosing imperfect action is one indicator of core strength. But deepening core strength also means holding space for all of our emotions, for grieving, truth-telling, remembering that we need each other, and owning our pain.

Some of us are “Questioners.” We tend to be stubborn and wired with a fair bit of natural ‘core strength.’ Being stubborn may not, however, always be recognized as a gift by others or yourself. Not until you grow into your True Self. Gretchen Rubin writes “Questioners question all expectations, and they respond to an expectation only if they conclude that it makes sense—in essence, they meet only inner expectations. They’re motivated by reason, logic, and fairness, which can lead to conflict when they don’t have enough information.” Take Gretchen’s Four Tendencies quiz.

I already mentioned that my stubbornness has been a gift and helped me build a soul-honouring and values-aligned life and business through the messiness of life. Another part of my innate core strength is a strong inner voice or guidance system. I carve my own path, in my own time, in my own way. If you are intuitive and self-led, even if you wrestle with fear or anxiety, you may already be stronger than you realize.

READ: How to Meet and Befriend Your True Self.

3. a commitment to Hope-in-action

In my words, hope is the ability to envision a new joyful possibility. To hold a vision for where we’re heading or where we want to go. And then choosing to step out into that vision. It does not mean we see the whole path ahead. All we have to do is to step out into the little bit of light we have. We find our way in (imperfect) action, not before.

A more evidence-based definition: Hope is a realistic sense of optimism or attitude of mind based on an expectation of positive outcomes. It has a couple of key characteristics: a sense of agency (the feeling of control over actions and their consequences) and the belief that you can produce alternative routes or pathways to your desired goals (source).

What this means is that we can witness injustice and the reality that there is much in life we do not have control over and still choose to take responsibility for what we can control. We see that no matter what, we can use our flexibility and core strength to keep building an imperfect and beautiful life. And we can continue practicing imperfect action as we find our way forward gently and on purpose.

READ: What’s the Difference Between Optimism and Hope? And What is Hope? And How to Practice Hope-in-Action.

When we make peace with messiness we make space for joy in our body and life.

Krista O’Reilly-Davi-Digui

5 Habits to Help You SHOW UP with strength When You Must Begin Again

The women in my Brave & Beautiful community know that one of my favourite questions is “Now What?”

NOW WHAT reminds me of my right and responsibility to choose my response or the next small step I can take. I’ve included a NOW WHAT question for each of the following habits.

1. The habit of trusting yourself

Many people have lost trust in themselves or never learned to listen in at all. Yet this is a skill and habit we can strengthen. Trusting ourselves means we gather quality information, seek help when needed, and even appreciate affirmation from those we respect or trust, but we recognize that we are the experts on our life. We have a right to acknowledge and make space for what it is that we need and want. And we know how to use our voice.

We practice listening to our mind, body, and spirit, noticing when comparison creeps in or when we don’t feel safe or healthy. Or when we’re doubting we have what it takes and we gently course correct or seek appropriate help. There isn’t one perfect way to do life. And for a happy life, we might need to push back against some of the ideals we’ve clung to for years and keep our eyes on our own path.

NOW WHAT? Pause a few times in the day to check inward. Pay attention to your thoughts, emotional state, and your body and ask yourself “what do I need in this moment?” Then respond in kindness as you trust the wisdom of your body. For example, if it asks for rest, release judgment, and practice rest.

FREE RESOURCE: True Rest Through The Seasons

2. The habit of taking imperfect action to rebuild a sense of agency

When life feels overwhelming or out of our control it can be tempting to hide under the covers, live in denial, or run and numb. (By the way, I distinguish between numbing out and intentional distraction which has its place in a healthy, resilient life). We need to face fear head on, even though we don’t know what tomorrow holds. This reminds our brains that we have agency or power of choice. And that we are strong enough to feel our feelings and show up anyway.

I focus on “imperfect action” because this shifts us out of perfectionism, an all or nothing mindset, or waiting until we can see the whole path ahead of us and into the strength and power of small, consistent, intentional steps. One after the other. This is helpful in seasons of transition like after a crisis, when beginning a new career, or putting our creative work into the world.

NOW WHAT? As part of your morning routine, consider asking “what is one thing I can take action on or practice today to move me closer to what I want or need in my life?” Another question I like is “What is a small step I can take today to create more freedom in my life one month or one year from now?”

FREE RESOURCE: How to Make Peace With Messiness And Practice Imperfect Action

3. The habit of being kind to yourself

Shame, blame, guilt, unforgiveness of our past self, judging oneself for struggling or feeling uncomfortable emotions, rehashing all the things we “could’ve” or “should’ve” done can keep us stuck and in suffering. We can acknowledge all feelings without embracing as truth every thought we have. Treating ourselves with kindness (or building a new instinct of self-compassion) strengthens and equips us to find our way forward.

This might include good self-care practices or instituting a no-bullying policy (as in we only speak to ourself kindly). It can include trusting that you know what you need, including when you need outside help shame-free, or establishing healthy boundaries. You may need to say yes to developing new skills and habits that support who and how you choose to be in the world. And it likely will include learning how to quiet the noise of perfectionism, comparison, and fear in your life.

It’s so easy to focus on what isn’t going well or where we’re struggling. But we can counter our negativity bias and the resulting stress as an act of self-kindness.

NOW WHAT? As part of your evening routine, add in my 3/2/1 practice. Consider or journal your responses: “What are three things I’m grateful for today? What are two things I have done well today? What is one thing I could do differently next time?”

HELPFUL RESOURCE (BLOG POST): Self-Compassion Will Help You Become Your Own Best Friend

4. The habit of enforcing intentional, firm boundaries

Showing up to life when we must begin again often means huge demands on our mental and emotional energy. It’s incredibly hard work. And though there will be tasks we can’t simply walk away from, outsource, or defer, we have a right to put ourselves first where possible. We will likely need to establish new boundaries or shore up leaky ones. Even when some people get upset about it. And we get to enforce them like our life (or at least our wellbeing) depends upon it.

Finding our footing after trauma, loss, or upheaval might mean we have little to give to others for a time. Or what might be equally true is that we need to reimagine what our contribution can look like in this new season. Remember that different is not automatically bad. This can feel hard when we value generosity and compassion. Or if we’ve tended to find our worth in service or tending to others. But it’s important to remind ourselves that we cannot pour out what we don’t first pour in. AND we do not have to prove our worth to anyone.

NOW WHAT? When you notice frustration, resentment, or anger arising, pause and ask yourself “what’s at the root of this feeling?” Also ask, “do I have a leaky boundary in this area?”

HELPFUL RESOURCE: Brave Midlife Boundaries Workshop

5. The habit of living aligned with your core values

Getting clear on our core values and awakening to the truth that we can walk them out in every season of life is stabilizing. It helps build a sense of agency (it’s also a pathway to happiness). The manner in which we walk out our values will change according to circumstance. But there is no circumstance that has ever prevented me from intentionally putting them into practice in my life in some way.

Maya Angelou wrote “I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” We must say yes to life, again and again. We can remind ourselves that real-life – a full, beautiful life – is messy and in constant flux. Hard things will happen; not one of us will get through life without tasting struggle. But no matter what, we get to help build a world and life we want to live in by walking out our values.

NOW WHAT? Write down your core values. Check in with them each month as you look ahead and ask “how can I walk out my core values this month? Or how can I live them in this (insert your details) situation/area of life?”

HELPFUL RESOURCE: The Core Values Workshop

We will all need to become a beginner again at some point

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By choice or not, many of us experience times when we have to begin again.

I’m here with you in the muck, finding my way forward, becoming a beginner again. I’m learning to write after loss and incredible pain. To become a mom of two rather than three. I’m practicing consistent, very imperfect action while our finances and economic stability are under threat. And I’m figuring out how to stay calm and compassionate in the middle of a global pandemic.

I hadn’t planned to be here – but that’s the point. Most of the hard life stuff that throws us heart-first into the turbulent waters of change or transition doesn’t have the courtesy to forewarn us. It quickly becomes a sink or swim proposition.

I choose to swim – and begin again. Every day if necessary.

Krista xo

NOW WHAT? Sign up to receive The HOPE Map. I like to think of “hope in action” or “practical hope” that calls us to get our hands and heart dirty as we find our way forward gently, imperfectly, and on purpose.

*this post has been updated a bit in 2025